


Old-As-Balls Sorcerer Gossip Club, Christmas Edition

by Evren Rambunctious (DHume)



Category: Skulduggery Pleasant - Derek Landy
Genre: F/F, F/M, Mistletoe, mistletoe tropefic 2k13
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-12-22
Updated: 2013-12-22
Packaged: 2018-01-05 13:50:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,466
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1094639
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DHume/pseuds/Evren%20Rambunctious
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Written for the mistletoe tropefest set up by the Skeleton Committee, set in a 'LSODM never happened hahahahah' AU.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Old-As-Balls Sorcerer Gossip Club, Christmas Edition

It was the annual Sanctuary Christmas party, held every year without fail despite the fact that most of the attendees were neither Sanctuary employees or even invited. Really, it was just the Requiem Ball with mince pies, and that's what Valkyrie privately called it in her head; or, when she was feeling mean, Old-As-Balls Sorcerer Gossip Club, Christmas Edition. Valkyrie tutted, standing next to the mulled wine. Eliza Scorn was there. Wasn't she public enemy number one? Didn't she have cults to resurrect? Why was she standing in a basement, in Ireland, her red hair reflecting onto the discount silver tinsel and holding a mince pie like she'd never seen one before? Valkyrie stared at Eliza some more until China walked in, looking gorgeous in deep holly-leaf green, inexplicably not being murdered by Skulduggery. Eliza immediately glided over to her. Eliza definitely wanted to Fuck That, Valkyrie thought. That's why she was here.

She watched them for a bit longer, didn't even look away when China brushed part of Eliza's red, red hair behind her hair and leaned in. 

Suddenly, Dexter appeared. "Valkyrie, how much have you had to drink?" he asked, his brow crinkling. Valkyrie looked down, realising that the 5 empty plastic cups were hers. That would probably explain why she'd been creepily staring at China getting it on with her old girlfriend, she thought. With a bit of effort, Valkyrie focussed on Dexter's worried face. "Not much?" she ventured, gesturing at the mulled wine stand. "Not much. I'm fine." Dexter didn't seem convinced. "You seem to be, hmm, staring at people a lot. Come over here!" he cajoled, catching Valkyrie by the arm and walking her away from the alcohol, towards the snacks. Valkyrie's face brightened. This was much better. She hadn't realised there were snacks.  Joining her and Dexter at the snack table were Saracen and Anton, who appeared to be wearing felt reindeer antlers. They nodded politely at her, smiled, and then went back to discussing wizard politics or whatever Anton seemed to like to talk about and munching on chipolata sausages. Those looked good, so Valkyrie grabbed a few. 

"So, Val, what have you been doing? Where's Skulduggery?" Dexter asked, whilst Valkyrie was in the middle of eating a tiny sausage. She flapped her hands about until he got the message, then swallowed. That was better. She hadn't eaten all evening. Some of the room was coming a little better into focus. "He got a phonecall," Valkyrie clarified, since her 'I'm eating but let me explain' charades hadn't gotten the point across. "We'd only just arrived, so I waited by the entrance, and the wine-" That had probably been a bad idea, realised Valkyrie, sobering up slightly. She resolved to line her stomach with more of those delicious chipolatas. And some of those mini pizza things? She thought she'd seen those mini pizza things. She loved those.

"You do realise you're thinking about pizzas aloud, don't you?" Anton asked gently, in the middle of her daydream about pizza. Valkyrie blushed. She wasn't even that tipsy, anymore. She just goddamn loved pizza. 

"Sorry," she muttered, then turned back to Dexter. "You haven't seen Skulduggery then, have you? Only he's been gone a while…"

[TWO HOURS LATER]

The Old Mage Reunion party was going swimmingly. Much to Valkyrie's relief neither Hansard nor any of the younger mages from the Requiem Ball had turned up, so she was the youngest there by about 60 years and kept being set upon by admirers, seemingly approaching her for the first time since she was without the Skeleton Detective at her side.

Valkyrie had eaten half of the buffet table by herself, but _stealthily_. No one had even _noticed_. She finished talking to the latest flattering sorcerer, a nice lady in a dinner jacket to rival Skulduggery's own, and wandered back to the Snack Base. Anton had moved on and Saracen was fiddling about with the sound system, but Dexter was by himself. He'd been finally hitting the mulled wine and like all the other Old Mages was a little tipsy.Valkyrie felt very pleased with herself; she was as sober as a judge and now free to steal the pork pies with impunity now that no-one was due to notice. Take that, snooty guests.  

The sound system finally crackled to life and everyone stopped to clap sarcastically, drifting to the sides of the room to make an improvised dancefloor. This was it. This was Valkyrie's chance to salvage a partner-less night with the last of the food whilst everyone was distracted. That, and dancing with a hot babe.

"Dexter!" she half-shouted over the Best of Beach Boys Christmas album, smiling at him widely. "We should dance!" Dexter looked up at her, confused for a moment. "I don't think… that would be a good idea," he managed. Valkyrie pouted. Things _weren't_ going accordingly to plan. 

"Why not?" she loudly asked back. "It's Christmas! Come on, Dexter, I'm bored! Skulduggery only walked in an hour ago and has been talking to crusty old mages the whole time! You're basically babysitting me! And mortal babysitting means doing whatever I say!" 

Dexter gave this crock of bullshit the deep consideration it deserved for his wine-addled brain. "Seems about right," he agreed. "Okay. Valkyrie, get ready for the dance of your life."

What followed was some extremely awkward dancing that could only be described kindly by Valkyrie as 'bopping'. This is what you got for hanging out with old people, she thought miserably. Then, Valkyrie looked up. There it was! Glistening in the mock-Tudor rafters, a bunch of mistletoe. She pointed at it. Dexter's eyes followed her, and he jumped a little. He seemed to strengthen his resolve, and cleared his throat self-importantly. 

"But, soft! what plant through yonder…ceiling breaks? It is the mistletoe, and Valkyrie is under it!" Valkyrie grimaced. Was that Romeo and Juliet? Before she had time to ask, Dexter was leaning in for a kiss, a faint smile on his face. Valkyrie didn't know what was going on, but decided to go for it all the same. She leant in to meet him, and ---

**_[DRAMATIC ANIME FLASHBACK]_ **

Skulduggery was mingling. Mingling was a thing he was good at; he was charming, and witty, and if he didn't talk to any one person for more than a few minutes they didn't realise how annoying and rude he could be. 

Currently, though, everyone save him was getting drunker and drunker on the fortified mulled wine someone, probably Saracen, had provided. Skulduggery had gotten used to it over the years, but Christmas was especially trying-- all those people eating fatty, sugary indulgent foods he couldn't eat and drinking things he couldn't drink, getting drunk and repeating things to him when he'd heard them five times before. It was getting boring, if he was being honest.

Then, he heard it. Christmas music. Giggling. Dexter's voice.

"Excuse me," he muttered to a woman prattling on about Witch artefacts. "My Valkyrie sense is tingling."

Skulduggery ran across the room like a Baywatch outtake. Whole swathes of uninvited, drunken guests were bowled out of his way as he swept over the waxed floorboards. He saw them -- Valkyrie leaning toward Dexter-- and knew it was almost too late. He only had one chance. Skulduggery snapped out his palm and sent a buffet of air at Dexter, who flew into the snack tables. 

"My snacks!" Valkyrie cried forlornly, unaware of where the wind had come from. She peered at the table, realised the snacks were beyond saving, and looked back, totally ignoring Dexter's groans of pain. "Skuldu-!" she started to say, but never got to finish the statement when he swept her off her feet, dipping her low and kissing her with a facade he'd activated as he ran over. One of the ears was on backwards, but Valkyrie wasn't in a state to notice. The kiss went on for an uncomfortably long time, the entire assembled crowd watching them mack it on the dancefloor, and small audible smacking noises could be heard.

In a corner, China and Eliza watched. China rolled her eyes. "Oh, fuck it," she said, grabbing Eliza and pushing her against the wall, going at it herself like there was a kissing prohibition and someone had just killed a cop. Dexter disentangled himself from the table just in time to witness both kisses. His head whipped back and forth between the obviously sloppy detective makeouts and the frankly _scary_ women in the corner. Was that much biting _normal_? Dexter wasn't sure. He needed to stop hanging out with these people.

Eventually, to the horror of the assembled crowd, Skulduggery and Valkyrie surfaced. She was bright red. "I like that facade," she muttered to him. "That's one of the hot ones."


End file.
